GROWING UP SUCKS

you know it sucks when you're growing up 

when you're growing up , things changes accordingly . your friends doesn't stay by your side anymore , as we all walk in separate ways . your parents gets older and looks older , they're not in their best shape compare to few years ago . Things get more and more expensive and the society changed . 12 y/o looks like 23 y/o . ( its because I have grown this much and I cant even do my own basic makeup ) I'm terrified of contacts , thats why I've never gained enough courage to learn how to wear them . 

betrayals , heartaches and everything that you need to experience comes in package when you started to grow up , and when you get to step into the society , things just couldn't get any worst .  

To be honest , I just experienced a brutal heartache few months ago , I can still remember it clearly because it happens around mid February , I have this huge crush on this guy which is one year smaller than me , and then I think age is just a number ( & thats what I think ) , but he don't think it that way . he's being so nice and so sweet to me at first but then few months later when he graduated from high school we just sort of lost contact , and he just totally ignored me . Things were hard since I hardly have a huge crush on someone , back then I think he's the one for me but things were just so wrong . He hurt me again and again and of course my result slipped a little at my finals (semester 1 ) and people around me were blaming me for not trying hard enough . I was guilty and upset and I feel like the sky is falling and world is crushing on me . I couldn't bear the stress and pressure back then . 

I was depressed . I feel like I was useless because I couldn't get any scholarships at first . because I've never even wanted to try form 6 ( as you can see from my previous posts ) . and that's just semester 1 . I screwed it big , I can't afford to retake those subjects because I've wasted my time being overly obsessed with this guy . I was so stupid back then . I spend countless nights chatting with him ( because I thought he liked me back ) . So this guy went to college and I'm still at my school studying form 6 . But its okay , the ship is still sailing strong , for 1.5 years ( for goodness sake ) how stupid am I . He rejected me few times but I keep thinking that he will accept me someday . 

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but then , I finally had enough of all these craps . 

I started to work hard for myself , focus on myself . Keeping myself occupied is the best way of forgetting him . I'm okay . 

Few weeks later , 

until then I've met this another guy named teddy . ( I'm not revealing his real name , so I reveal his nickname instead )

to be honest I really really hate him at first , I don't know why . He's tall (180cm) for asians , quite tanned and has this quirky smile which irritates me a lot . The day where I actually met him was at feb 28 . We went for a morning jog and that day I don't feel so well because I had insomnia a night before . As usual , I'm so stressed out that day , because my result releases at 12pm so I need to head back to school to take my STPM result . & jogging at the park with my friends early in the morning was a good choice . at least I tend to forget about my stress once in a while . 

so this teddy guy , he seems like a liar at first ( because he was once really popular ) , 

let me explain this part , yknow its weird especially for msia Chinese teenagers , they all are literally obsessed over basketball players and this guy - teddy . is a school representative basketball player . ( but not me of course ) 

and when he started to compliment me this and that & I thought he's trying to flirt with me ( I'm not buying his tricks btw ) , so it gets irritating as time goes by , so I ended up roasting him and trying to make myself sounded bad so he could stop all these flirtations . I even did a background check of him . 

For that time being I just knew him for about 6 to 7 hours and he's already being so flirty like hmm " no I like short girls especially around 153cm " or " let's video call once we get back " and " I'll drive you home today cos tomorrow we'll go to bakkutteh " and he even shaved his beard .  

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 and I thought he's just being nice to a new friend ( me ) 

that time I couldn't think twice , because for a moment I think that nobody would ever looked up to me . ( I'm not pretty or rich or popular or anything , I'm just average ) 

But that day , he drive me home safely . and messaged me " it's raining and you better have a shower so you wouldn't catch a cold the next day " 

Then I started to like him a little , as a friend . 

and our feelings developed as we went to beach . ( all this while I thought he's just being friendly to me and nothing else ) 

and soon ...

we dated . ( don't ask me how or when did we start dating , I don't even know )